I'm a stitch away from making it, and a scar away from falling apart

Oh, Fall Out Boy, you are my guilty pleasure. And I admit that usually your lyrics just aren't that compelling. But this one seems to fit me perfectly right now: "I'm a stitch away from making it, and a scar away from falling apart."

Don't you hate when you can't explain yourself to people? I tried talking to my mom but all I got in return was "you yell at me and you're depressed." But I only yell when she wants to discuss grades (because it freaks me out) and I. am. not. depressed. At all. I just had a bad day. The kind of bad day that takes your other bad days' lunch money and then pushes them down on the sidewalk. I mean, I knew my grades were bad. (If you are now wondering if I studied or in fact DID watch When Harry Met Sally on repeat with a tub of ice cream and mourned the loss of my GPA, then I bet you can guess.) Yes, I knew my grades were bad. But getting a letter saying I am on probation for my scholarship made them seem so much worse. Being on academic probation for my sorority didn't hurt like that did. 

Yes, I would prefer to just quit school altogether, move back to Memphis for good, and paint. for forever. But seeing as bad luck has taken a liking to me since 1992, it's not that easy. You know, some rich man isn't just going to marry me, at some point I'll probably need a job. But here's the worst part of my situation. "WORST?" you may ask. Yes, it's worse. I have nothing to look forward to. It's one of those slumps. As soon as I got antsy today I knew it was bad. This happens sometimes; I get antsy. Antsy because there is no one exciting in my life, because I'm not used to being single for... almost six months? That sounds shallow though. It's not because I'm single, I highly recommend the single life. I am living it out of choice here. Just nothing exciting has happened for an extremely long time. 

It's a slump. 

finals week is looming near.

I have every single final exam next Tuesday. And I can't even begin to express how excited I am. And by excited I mean stressed out to the max. Since there's nothing really to do for them right now I'm kind of trying not to think about them since getting any hours, keeping my scholarship and not to mention staying in my sorority, is all riding on Tuesday.

So since I'm putting all that off; I found this:  http://everetthiller.imgur.com/my_holiday_party
It's too cool not to share. Some of that photoshopping is PRO! haha

Haha this is just one of my favorites.

I wish some of these guys would come to one of my parties! [; 

Now all there is really left to say is wish me luck and I'm sorry if I disappear for a couple days. I'm probably in a study induced coma or I'm watching When Harry Met Sally on repeat, eating ice cream, preparing myself for failure. Maybe I'll blog about my misery: get excited. 

knowing dimly

I'm finally home. I'm such a home-body; this is so weird for me. Have you ever been away from home for so long that when you come back something just doesn't feel right? And you know your mom's repainted and rearranged and they got a new refrigerator and they cleaned out the garage and your dog got a haircut and your brother is almost as tall as you now and your small town suddenly got new stop lights and a new gas station.

 But that's not it- and you can't put your finger on it. But home isn't the same anymore.

And then you realize... why you left.

Because you screwed up just about everything here. This town was like a bucket of paint. And then you came in and stirred it up and used what you wanted of it and splattered some of it on the carpet. And then there was nothing left here for you and you had to move on to a new bucket of paint. And now that I'm back I realize everyone else is still playing in the paint here- it just doesn't include me anymore.

This is the place where I found my other half. My temporary other half but my other half nonetheless. And then, being the kind of person I am, I left. And he painted me out of his life. And now that I'm back I realize I never took the time to paint him out of mine, I just left this place how it was.

Well enough with my silly paint analogies.

things that I learned the last weekend in October.

busy busy busy weekend.


First off. I kicked it off with a bunch of my very good friends at a local bar. This is where I learned that just about everything about Tennessee is confusing to Mississippi people. From license plates to ID's. Which is fine because apparently they think I'm 21. And then Saturday was the KΔ formal. That is the night that I learned: 1) trust no one with alcohol in their system and 2) people will sometimes come a very long way to see you. 


And then Saturday was Halloween. I spent it on the coast with my roommate and her family. And Mimi whom you may remember from one of my previous posts. Well on the drive we realized what a long way we had come from last year. I went from a "couple costume" with a boyfriend at the time to driving to the coast in matching costumes with someone who is not going to screw me over. Sometimes life sucks until you look back and realize how it's so much better than it was. 

aot

This was a hectic weekend. And then it wasn't. 

I don't do well running on very little sleep. And Friday night I sat around with my new sorority sisters all night long and got a maximum of two hours of sleep. A maximum of two hours of sleep that were continuously interrupted every five minutes by one of my sister's alarms. So by the time I woke up Saturday morning I had successfully learned the entire chorus to some country song as well as managed to "sleep" in between a couple of couch cushions that had been thrown on the floor. But hey, I'm not complaining; I wouldn't trade the time I had with my sisters that night for the world. I learned to know each of them so much better and it was like I had a semi-permanent post-it stuck to my head that said "see how blessed you are?" 

And then Saturday I was initiated. And then Saturday afternoon I fell asleep for the next 24 hours. This is the point when my weekend became much less hectic.

So this is my moral for the story and the outcome of the last few days: I have a new profound appreciation for white roses [especially my new gorgeous one that I HAD to take a picture of] and for a few secret letters that I've already forgotten the meaning of. So AOT kd sisters, and hopefully I shall have something else in my pursuit of happiness worth posting soon.

I paint.

I love to paint. I love to paint. I love it. I love it.

The past few days have been great ones thanks to my great decision to invest in some new canvas. Not so good for my studies, but good ones nonetheless. I actually finished a painting in 3 days; Mrs. McTyre probably would have loved if I could have done this this time last year, haha.

I admit it's not my best. But it's still one of my favorites so far. And no. It's not anyone I know. I just found a picture like this somewhere. Except it said in the bottom right corner "A HEART THAT HAS TRULY LOVED WILL NEVER FORGET." Truuuue dat.. Have you ever thought you loved someone, and then you started loving someone else and you realize that you never actually loved the person before that? Does that make even make sense? It's a rhetorical question. Well I wish I had never really loved anyone. Except for my dad who I sing oldies in the car with. And my mom that I happen to be a carbon copy of so I don't hesitate to tell her anything. And my grandpa who tells me I can come to him for anything, except drugs; he won't get me drugs, haha. The people I am a direct descendent of, those people are ok to love. But I was dumb and I've loved people that don't have to love me back. Oh, I'll never learn. 

"Not what man knows but what man feels, concerns art. All else is science." - Bernard Berenson, 1897

starkvegas

I haven't had a good weekend in quite some time. And this past weekend was no exception. Admittingly, it started off extremely promising. I was on the road with a couple of my very good friends on the way to see Jason Mraz and finally fulfill my destiny of seeing him in person, haha. And ya, I saw him. This was a night that I can honestly say that if it had taken place at Southern it may have been one of the best nights of my life. But Mississippi State only made me miss Southern Miss. Not that the drunk guy shaking my hand telling me how fine I am or Lil Wayne trying to buy me a drink wasn't exciting. This trip may not have served the purpose I intended it to, but it served one nonetheless. It made me realize how much I truly love my school. I could transfer to just about any school tomorrow if I wanted to, but I know this is home. Here are some photos of some of the relatively beautiful moments from that night.

The next day is when everything really went downhill. I was stranded with Mimi. Note: there is nothing wrong with Mimi, in fact, there is no one better to be stranded with. But my phone died and we spent all day standing on campus [minus the 4 hours we spent sitting in a dorm lobby]. The lady at the front desk even gave us the remote and tv guide. Here are some photos documenting what was easily the longest day of my life. 

 

best person to get stranded with, ever.

I burnt my hand on the stupid dog. 

Well long story short, one of my best friends from Memphis actually rescued me and took me back to Hattiesburg. It's funny how some people show up when you least expect them to. It only proves to me how truly blessed I am with the friends that I have. Sometimes people tell you not to trust anyone and I understand that because there are people in my life that I regret trusting with every ounce of my being. But it's really a breath of fresh air when you have the kind of friends that I have behind you, all over the place.  

It's 2am and I've decided to blog. I mean why not, nobody gets to read your diary and I don't mind if people listen to a little of my ranting. That is, if anybody ever gets bored enough to actually stumble upon this. Which I doubt. Highly. But here I go anyway. Right now I'm reading this book called Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer. Ya so what, I copied and pasted his name. It was easier. Well the reason I decided to read some of his work is because I stumbled upon this: 

Just this excerpt was so beautiful. So I here I am, reading a novel on my own since the first time since what? like the summer of 07 and The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants? Well anyway I've been thinking about what this says a lot. And I think it's 100% true. Even if it's just for me. All I've ever clung to is the knowledge that love is there. 

And then one night someone told me that I was extremely easy to fall out of love with. 

And then the batteries in the flashlight in the emergency kit in the hall closet were dead. I didn't even need love until I didn't have it anymore. So this is me. I'm a gambler. I gambled all my love away. This is my story. And I am on my pursuit of happiness. I just have a lot of growing up to do.